Spotlight on: Independence

4 February 2022

This article first appeared in Queenwood News Weekly Friday 4 February 2022.

In the course of the last few days, various parents have kindly asked me how the beginning of term has gone and I’ve been pleased to share that there has been far less disruption in the last week than we feared. The surveillance testing is a useful precaution for now and if you are a parent who has to administer this to your younger children, you may find this short instructional video from a paediatric ENT helpful. We are conscious that numbers are likely to climb but we are typically receiving notification of 2-3 new cases a day amongst the students, which is better than anticipated from around 900 students. Similarly, some staff have tested positive to COVID-19 but not yet in the numbers that would cause real difficulty. Overall, it has been an excellent start (and we remain alert for unexpected developments!).

Each school year marks another stage in the journey towards independence. This is most obviously seen in Kindergarten, as their life outside the home becomes more dominant, and in Year 12, on the cusp of adulthood and all its responsibilities. But in fact, it is true for girls of every age. Your daughter will begin the year with her own set of capabilities and will end it with that set extended and enlarged. The job of parents and teachers is to maximise that growth each year but often we are swimming against the societal tide. (Jean Twenge argues convincingly that a whole generation is being overprotected – with the best of intentions and disastrous effects on mental health. Her book is excellent and highly recommended.)

How can we do this? Here are a few suggestions:

Examine assumptions
It’s easy to slip into habits. When she was six, she might not have been able to keep track of her library books – but now she’s eight, she can. When she was ten, she might have struggled to organise her own lunch – but now she’s fourteen, and it’s within her powers. When she was twelve, she might not have had the foresight to order an item of school uniform so that it’s delivered in time. But if she’s now sixteen and can get behind the wheel, then she can certainly take responsibility for her clothing! (And if she doesn’t, the consequences are trivial – all the more reason to leave her to it.)

Too often, we parents keep doing tasks well past the point of the child’s need simply because we’re in the habit of it. Teachers can do this, too. Our mantra needs to be: if she can do it for herself, she should do it for herself.

Reframe the issue
Too often, I have taken over a task muttering to myself ‘By the time I’ve shown them what to do, I could have done it myself.’ This is true but misses the point because the time is actually invested not in the immediate task but in upskilling that young person. When I remind myself that that is my true task, the extra time seems worth it.

Hide the panic
Ideally, we won’t panic at all but parenting can be a white-knuckled ride sometimes! Controlling our emotions is important role modelling for young people. It also makes parenting easier because emotions are contagious. If we’re trying to encourage our children to stop and think, they need clear heads and low emotion – so regardless of our internal frustrations, this is what we need to project to them. This is hard emotional labour for parents (and teachers!), but worth it because young people will follow our lead.

It is good to help a young person anticipate the consequences of a poor decision and talk it through with them before the crunch point. But young people have to be paid the respect of being allowed to make their own decisions, even bad ones. As much as it feels like watching a car crash in slow motion, it’s usually best to offer some advice and then let her make mistakes (not life-threatening ones, obviously!). Again, this is upskilling that will pay off in the longer term.

Show Confidence
When something has gone wrong, ‘keep calm and carry on’ is usually the most reassuring response for a wobbly child or teenager. If you signal to your tearful daughter that her hiccup is a disaster, she will believe you. More importantly, if our response to her distress is to pull out all stops to make it all go away, she learns that we do not believe in her capacity to manage the situation. Then we lose the opportunity to help her work through the problem, honestly assess the causes and ultimately learn that this too shall pass – which is the beginning of resilience.

All this is easier in theory than in practice. I know I have certainly carried the load for my children at times when, with hindsight, I see that they were perfectly capable. The truth is, however, that committing to the development of independence offers rich rewards faster than we think. And there is nothing more glorious than seeing a girl come into her own, fully alive and independent and ready to meet the world.