Today happens to be World Teachers’ Day, and the Queenwood Parents’ Association marked it by arranging a beautiful morning tea for our staff. This was a generous gesture much appreciated across the School, and I was also able to share with staff this week some beautiful messages from parents, both Junior and Senior School, expressing their appreciation for how their girls have flourished in their care. Our thanks go to all parents for these marks of support. There is nothing more encouraging for us than to receive such messages, and I am always so grateful to those who take the time to write. Any teacher will tell you that these messages are always squirrelled away and treasured, so I hope you all know that such efforts are thoroughly worthwhile (for us, at least).
The messages I shared with staff were from parents who described girls who are happy, flourishing, growing in independence and confidence. There are so many of these girls… and it would be easy for me to stop writing here. But we need to be honest: at any given time there will also be a number of girls who are not feeling this way. They feel a bit lost, unconnected, uneasy with their peers. They worry that everyone else seems happy, while they don’t fit in.
We aspire to be a school where every child feels totally happy and comfortable at all times. Yet if we ever claimed to have achieved it, you should raise an eyebrow. Could such a school ever exist, in which everyone was happy all the time? And if such a school did exist, there would be a perverse risk that it would produce shallow, brittle, stunted young people, lacking in both empathy and resilience.
So, we know this will happen and we accept that there may even be some good to come out of it. At the same time, we do everything we can to combat it.
When girls are feeling this way, purely indulging their negative feelings won’t help them. Negative self-talk and rumination need to be challenged. Parents and teachers have the responsibility of helping young people place their fears and anxieties in perspective, and talking them through the risks of over-reaction and over-analysing. We need to help them reframe their experiences and prevent them from turning wholly inwards.
But that isn’t always, or solely, the answer. We also need to work hard to help them find their way through it. In doing this, we will pull everything we can out of the bag at school – shameless social engineering wherever we can; student mentors who can share their experiences; plans to lure them into appealing activities; coaching to help them recognise their own strengths and achievements; opportunities for recognition and leadership; formal and informal counselling; and plenty of time to talk with a sympathetic adult. But this takes time to have its effect.
During these periods, girls are vulnerable and they need to know that they are not alone. There are always other girls who feel the same way. Indeed, most of us have experienced this at some time – although that may be hard for girls to believe when they are in the thick of it. They will feel that their experience is unique and we need to offer them reassurance that, to some degree, this is normal and that this, too, shall pass.
While they are in such a vulnerable period, however, small things can weigh heavily. I have been reflecting this week on just how important it is to cultivate kindness in our girls – kindness at all times, with no excuses.
It is hard to find a person who would not agree that kindness is important and yet we live in a society that increasingly accepts unkindness as inevitable. Harsh put-downs and brutal language are increasingly common in the public arena – and especially on social media.
Taunts and insults and a general coarsening of discourse are normalising behaviours and attitudes which used to be seen as uncivilised and unacceptable. I don’t think I am immune to the effects of this myself, and over the years I believe it has gradually lowered our expectations of our children.
Think of a scenario where a girl has said or done something deliberately unkind. Not a sustained campaign of bullying or a case of outrageous abuse, but something smaller. Harsh words, a quick put-down, a lunchtime spent ignoring a classmate sitting nearby.
Small, cruel moments – moments that can be devastating to a girl who is already feeling vulnerable. There have been occasions when I have seen a parent accept that their daughter has done or said something along these lines but they have immediately followed up with excuses and attempts to minimise the impact.
This is not in the interests of anyone. It does not help their daughter develop the skills of positive relationships. It does not help her learn the self-discipline, let alone the empathy, she will need to flourish in any arena of life. Perhaps more importantly, it is simply not good enough. There is no excuse for hurting others, and we can never tell exactly how hard such careless blows will land on their victim. And, of course, permitting general unkindness will eventually redound on the perpetrator because we are all swimming in the same waters.
No-one is perfect and as teachers we are sometimes frustrated by the difficulty of properly managing small and subtle acts of unkindness. Yet when we do intervene, we can be accused of overreacting and it is argued that we should accept as normal small instances of harsh language or exclusionary behaviour or put-downs. But however common these become, we must not become a community that accepts these things as either normal or normative. What you permit, you promote.
We are fortunate to have the support of our parents in so many ways. With your support for a consistent culture of kindness, we can create a place where it is possible for girls to experience the ordinary burdens of growing up without being crushed by them.
If you are concerned that your daughter is going through such a period, please make sure that you share these concerns with her class teacher or Tutor. She will have to work through it herself, but she doesn’t have to work through it on her own.
Before I finish, I draw your attention to the notice below inviting parents to focus groups as we refresh our Strategic Plan. Places are limited but there will be an opportunity for all parents to share their thoughts via a survey issued before the end of term. We value your input as we shape our direction for the coming years.
Ms Elizabeth Stone
Principal