Spotlight On: Good Conversations

26 February 2021

This article first appeared in Queenwood News Weekly 26 February 2021

Today was another big step on the road back towards normality, with a successful Swimming Carnival held at Homebush. This time last year, we were just heading into COVID-world and the Swimming Carnival was the last whole-school, uninhibited, joyous event of 2020 – not that we knew it at the time. This year, we had percussion instead of chanting, COVID-safe marshalling, strict seating plans… but it felt like a proper carnival and it was wonderful! Necessity is the mother of invention and it has been great to see the creativity of the student leaders as they adapted to this year’s challenges. We were also thrilled that the latest loosening of regulations permitted parents to attend. (The Old Girls amongst you may be interested to know that the winning house was Queen – breaking a long drought!)

It has also been good to see the responses of the senior students to this week’s widespread discussion of the prevalence of sexual harassment and assault. The girls know that my door is always open to them and they are free to drop in without notice at any time unless I’m actually in a meeting with someone else. So quite a few came by in the last few days or brought it up as we chatted in the playground. The ones I spoke to said that they felt they were generally getting the information they needed from school, which was useful feedback, although they also offered some suggestions to improve things further. They felt passionately, though, about the broader issues such as the formidable social and legal barriers to women reporting, or even talking about, sexual assault. It is clear that this week’s events will be helpful in lifting the veil of silence but I am under no illusion that it will be enough.

I also asked the girls who approached me this week whether they had had any explicit discussion of consent at home, and hardly any of them had. This is anecdotal, of course, but I’m sure it’s not because their parents don’t think it’s important. Trust me, though: your girls want to talk about this. Even though it’s ‘cringey’ for everybody involved, they really want to talk about this.

You will be the best judge of what your daughter is ready for. Some of the girls will be sexually active already, while others will still think the whole idea of sex is disgusting. This is why the best conversations will be had at home, one on one, addressing just what each girl needs to know and is ready for. Fathers, please don’t assume that this is ‘women’s business’. Your views about healthy relationships will have special value for your daughters and they will absolutely be looking to you to understand how men of integrity respect and value women.

Right now, the headlines and public debate have created a great opening to start a discussion in a neutral way – asking your daughter’s opinion on the issues, what she has observed, what her friends may have experienced, what she thinks the main misunderstandings might be, what concerns she might have, what she would do if something happened to her or a friend… and so on. One mother told me that she shared several articles from this week with her son and daughter in order to spark discussion and signal her readiness to offer support and advice. She also shared with her older daughter an occasion from her youth when she wished she had spoken out, which led to a rich conversation about how a woman might freeze under threat or feel other social pressures against calling attention to bad behaviour by men. A number of girls also told me that their parents had shared with them my letter from last week and that they really valued the discussions that came out of it.

You will find further tips for starting awkward conversations here and there are some good resources which introduce the key ideas with a light touch here and here.

For parents of younger girls, you may also wish to think about how to encourage and model helpful ways of thinking about healthy relationships, our bodies and consent. All Junior School students are taught basic messages about respecting other people, private parts of the body, the importance of feeling safe and what to do if you are not feeling safe (‘No. Go Tell.’). Without going anywhere near sexuality, it is easy to reinforce ideas around consent (eg not forcing hugs on someone who doesn’t want them or how good friends play games that both of them want to play) and make sure they have a clear sense of which trusted adults they can ask for help. Some simple ideas are listed here and here.

As always, if you need support from the School, we welcome your questions and ideas.