There are moments when you realise how old you are. One of mine was when – years ago – I listened to a group of Year 10 students laughing riotously at their parents’ texting habits.
“So I texted mum and said ‘I’m going over to Olivia’s. Can you pick me up at 5:30?’ and she texted back: ‘OK’!”
Cue gales of laughter – and bafflement on my part.
I asked the girls what the gaffe was and they explained that texting ‘OK” was All Wrong (obvs). Why? Because it was abrupt and unfriendly. It wouldn’t have taken much, they clarified, to add a ‘see you then!’ or ‘have a good time!’ or ‘that’s fine!’ which would be Normal. But then again, they assured me, they didn’t exactly expect their parents to understand proper etiquette.
So, in case you are wondering about what you are doing wrong when you text, here’s a few examples of texts and their translations:
Example: Meaning:
That’s great – That’s great.
That’s great. – That’s not great.
That’s great! – That’s genuinely great.
That’s great!!! – That’s really great!
Example: Meaning:
I’m at the shops. – I’m at the shops and I’m mildly grumpy about it.
I’m at the shops… – I’m at the shops and not grumpy about it.
Example: Meaning:
She’ll get back today – She’ll get back today.
She’ll get back todayyy – She’ll get back today and I’m mildly happy.
She’ll get back today!!! – I’m really glad she’ll get back today.
Generally, full stops and commas are more formal, sometimes to the point that they can imply irritation, but it’s difficult to overuse exclamation marks. There are all sorts of nuances with emojis (eg numerous Gen Zs have told me that the crying laughing emoji is ‘cringey’ – but my research hasn’t yet confirmed whether that’s just their problem) but it is safer to overemphasise the positives (eg exclamation marks) to avoid inadvertently giving offence.
Given that young people make allowances for the older generation, I don’t think there’s any real need for us to adopt their practices, but it does highlight that communication is socially situated and that the same expression (such as ‘OK’) can mean different things to different people. It was a revelation to me when I discovered that young people generally regard a phone call as intrusive, unless there has been a text beforehand. For them, the polite thing to do is to send a text (‘hey can I call?’) before calling. For me, it is a pointless intermediate step – I just call and let the other person decide whether to pick up.
These subtle nuances of texting have arisen because of how much they rely on it. This focus of their social energy and attention has refined texting as a form of communication but, in my experience, other forms of social interaction have correspondingly suffered.
Girls tell me that they really hate making telephone calls to anyone other than friends or family. They find unsolicited phone calls intrusive so taking the step to, say, call an information line feels really unpleasant and many of them avoid it. Lifeline, for instance, has introduced a counselling-by-text service because having to talk to a real person with a real voice is a barrier for many young people. I applaud this initiative but I also want our young people to have the confidence to connect with real human beings. I worry about their reliance on the distance that a screen imposes.
I also have the strong impression that talking face-to-face with someone unfamiliar is more challenging for this coming generation. There is some research to suggest that this is the case and it certainly makes sense given that so much of our children’s social lives is now mediated through digital devices. Why wouldn’t they feel more comfortable that way? I tested this idea with some of our senior students – themselves highly achieving and apparently confident, and none of them particularly shy – and they agreed that they really disliked it. It’s anecdotal, but I think this is something new.
I’m not suggesting there is a need to panic, but it might pay for parents to think a little about how to stretch our girls socially. You may have a gregarious daughter for whom this is entirely irrelevant but it may be worth testing some habits to see how readily she is able to engage with other people. A girl of five or six years old can, for instance, speak to the waiter and place her own order at a café. Older girls can easily be asked to go into a shop, ask for an item and pay for it themselves. Secondary students can be expected to, say, call a shop to see if they have something in stock or senior students can call a prospective work experience provider or a university helpline. If your daughter is reluctant, try not to give in and do it yourself! Practise the scenario with her, give her explicit questions to ask or simply rehearse the conversation with her – before insisting that she do it for herself.
It is easy to sleepwalk into doing too much for our children, especially when our parenting may include novel demands, but it is worth the effort. The job of young people may be to think that we are slightly ridiculous, but ours is to make sure they acquire the skills that will help them move confidently through the world – without us.
Ms Elizabeth Stone
Principal